Afraid of desire to serve, part 2

Source: Lea S

A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.

Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.

Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.

At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.

Advertisements

Needs

Throughout the last couple of months I read two blog posts that made me think about what does submissive need. I did not stop there, neither I think authors of this posts meant that this only applies to submissives – I believe it can be applied to almost every relationship out there. First post was from takenlilslut: 7 things that submissive needs from a Dominant. And the second post was from submissivenightowl: Deserving. So I`ve taken this posts to inspire me and write my own list. It is not definite and of course, I cannot take credit for it by myself – inspiration and few words goes to mentioned authors above.

A) Things that people need and I believe this should apply to everyone, Dom or submissive (or neither), vanilla or bdsm relationship (or combination of both – which is the form of relatioship which I prefer):

  1. Time: you have to spend time together. In order to get to know each other, to do things, to create new experiences, memories, develop your relationship and grow in every possible manner.
  2. Attention: you have to pay attention to each other. Great things are hidden in details and you can discover while paying attention.
  3. Honesty: sometimes we need to ask even stupid, small things. We are not mind readers and I do not like always reading between the lines. I am honest and expect the same in return. It affects the same things as written above – growing your relationship, discovering your desires and enjoying in it. Many obstacles can be overcome with this.
  4. Trust: as submissive I need you to trust me knowing my limits and I trust You to push them, always. I trust you to be my safety net and guide me through the this realm of bdsm exquisity. Respect our agreements or trust can be broken. Outside of the bdsm relationship trust is also everything. Without it you cannot build anything. With it both of you are stronger.
  5. Mind: I cannot say anything else than author of original post did: “If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me.”
  6. Love: again, same as above – takenlilslut wrote it all: “If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long…”

B) Things that I mainly need as a submissive (but always in combination with all the things written above):

  1. Consistency: “If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them.” (Source: takenlilslut)
  2. Rules: I need them in order to serve you the best way I can. But they are strongly connected to consistency.
  3. Punishment: I need it when I am “bad”. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Together, with consistency and rules, they make a perfect threesome. Choose punishment You feel it fits the most.
  4. Reward: I believe this one is pretty self-explinatory. 🙂 I like being a good girl and knowing that you noticed that I try really hard is important to me. It can be a compliment, an orgasm, a dinner, a kiss… Whatever fits you in that moment.

This list is sure to be updated through the time. As said before – I am still kind of a novice to this (bdsm) world. But one thing is for certain – I want all of this things, because I know I deserve them. And this is something that submissivenightowl wrote very good in her blogpost Deserving. I can find a lot of things that I like in there – not all, because we are all different and unique, but still. I know what I like and I know why. It is because I want to enjoy in my life and I want that my partner enjoys in his as well. That is why I feel it is important that both of the partners are their own person, willing to adapt in order to grow and develop relationship – with every kind of spice available our there. 🙂 I prefer mine to be bdsm. 🙂

And a final thought, my current desire, need that I am starting to feel growing more in more… I want to serve You. I want to give You every cell of me – for You to use, enjoy and cherish.