Lately I`ve been neglecting my blog. 😦 Not on purpose, but there is not enough hours in a day to handle everything. Especially when you are a work-a-holic.
Meanwhile a lot was happening in my “dark realm”. I was going through different phases – from not feeling anything special, to being overwhelmed and to stepping out of my comfort zone. Once again I have let myself to devour the fantasies I have. I confessed them to myself and later to Him. Luckily, they were His fantasies as well. So, we went deeper and I love it. I`m proud on myself to be able to express everything, to be able to realize it. My trust in Him grows stronger and I`m starting to feel more secure in my own sexuality. Not being afraid that much anymore. I`m leashed.
I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.
In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).
But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).
I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.
Couple of months ago, when I truly submitted myself to Him, I cried quite a bit (after the “sessions”). It was all due to my many inner fears, confused thoughts and emotions. A lot of times I was asking myself “What is wrong with me, because I like this? What is wrong with me, because pain brings me pleasure?”, etc. When I accepted my emotions (due to couple of conversations with Him, where we discussed all my fears and thoughts), crying stopped. Now I weep if pain is too strong. 🙂 But after the last “session” I cried again. At first I did not know why exactly, I just let it run… Than I realized: currently I am in phase where I feel such a deep need to serve Him that is runs through my every cell. Sometimes, if we do not see each other for few days, it gets so strong that I get an imprinted image of me, kneeling before Him, in my mind. I want to serve Him. My body and soul needs to serve Him. I want to push my limits for Him. I want to obey Him. And all this emotions overwhelmed me. So, I`ve cried in His arms, knowing that it is ok to cry, because all this tears only express deep emotions that I have and those represent how far to the rabbit hole I am prepared to go.
In all this willingness to serve Him, I`ve started to adore marks that He leaves on my body. They can be consenquence of a flogger, hand, teeth, bondage… does not matter! I liked them before, but now I just adore them and every single time (after the “session”) I wish there will be something left for me to cherish till they are gone. I like to touch them afterwards, press them to feel sweet pain that reminds me on those extatic moments when I totally gave myself to Him.
I was quite pleased with the selection of my last marks: stinging sensation on buttcheeks, small bruise on my wrist and couple of cute blue bruises on my breasts (due to the flogger) that are still visible. I have to confess that I wish for more but at the same time I know that I am not fully prepared for this kind of pain that is required to do bigger marks.
Nonetheless – can`t wait to explore my next bruises. I like when I am marked by Him. One of the signs that I know to whom I belong.
Throughout the last couple of months I read two blog posts that made me think about what does submissive need. I did not stop there, neither I think authors of this posts meant that this only applies to submissives – I believe it can be applied to almost every relationship out there. First post was from takenlilslut: 7 things that submissive needs from a Dominant. And the second post was from submissivenightowl: Deserving. So I`ve taken this posts to inspire me and write my own list. It is not definite and of course, I cannot take credit for it by myself – inspiration and few words goes to mentioned authors above.
A) Things that people need and I believe this should apply to everyone, Dom or submissive (or neither), vanilla or bdsm relationship (or combination of both – which is the form of relatioship which I prefer):
- Time: you have to spend time together. In order to get to know each other, to do things, to create new experiences, memories, develop your relationship and grow in every possible manner.
- Attention: you have to pay attention to each other. Great things are hidden in details and you can discover while paying attention.
- Honesty: sometimes we need to ask even stupid, small things. We are not mind readers and I do not like always reading between the lines. I am honest and expect the same in return. It affects the same things as written above – growing your relationship, discovering your desires and enjoying in it. Many obstacles can be overcome with this.
- Trust: as submissive I need you to trust me knowing my limits and I trust You to push them, always. I trust you to be my safety net and guide me through the this realm of bdsm exquisity. Respect our agreements or trust can be broken. Outside of the bdsm relationship trust is also everything. Without it you cannot build anything. With it both of you are stronger.
- Mind: I cannot say anything else than author of original post did: “If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me.”
- Love: again, same as above – takenlilslut wrote it all: “If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long…”
B) Things that I mainly need as a submissive (but always in combination with all the things written above):
- Consistency: “If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them.” (Source: takenlilslut)
- Rules: I need them in order to serve you the best way I can. But they are strongly connected to consistency.
- Punishment: I need it when I am “bad”. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Together, with consistency and rules, they make a perfect threesome. Choose punishment You feel it fits the most.
- Reward: I believe this one is pretty self-explinatory. 🙂 I like being a good girl and knowing that you noticed that I try really hard is important to me. It can be a compliment, an orgasm, a dinner, a kiss… Whatever fits you in that moment.
This list is sure to be updated through the time. As said before – I am still kind of a novice to this (bdsm) world. But one thing is for certain – I want all of this things, because I know I deserve them. And this is something that submissivenightowl wrote very good in her blogpost Deserving. I can find a lot of things that I like in there – not all, because we are all different and unique, but still. I know what I like and I know why. It is because I want to enjoy in my life and I want that my partner enjoys in his as well. That is why I feel it is important that both of the partners are their own person, willing to adapt in order to grow and develop relationship – with every kind of spice available our there. 🙂 I prefer mine to be bdsm. 🙂
And a final thought, my current desire, need that I am starting to feel growing more in more… I want to serve You. I want to give You every cell of me – for You to use, enjoy and cherish.