Lately I`ve been neglecting my blog. 😦 Not on purpose, but there is not enough hours in a day to handle everything. Especially when you are a work-a-holic.
Meanwhile a lot was happening in my “dark realm”. I was going through different phases – from not feeling anything special, to being overwhelmed and to stepping out of my comfort zone. Once again I have let myself to devour the fantasies I have. I confessed them to myself and later to Him. Luckily, they were His fantasies as well. So, we went deeper and I love it. I`m proud on myself to be able to express everything, to be able to realize it. My trust in Him grows stronger and I`m starting to feel more secure in my own sexuality. Not being afraid that much anymore. I`m leashed.
A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.
Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.
Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.
At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.
I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.
In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).
But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).
I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.
This is one of those “after the session” blog posts. It was so amazing, I cannot get it out of my head.
Started as a normal evening: cuddling, kissing. One thing lead to another and when I was completely naked (only with my thong left on) and He was not, I realized something is about to happen. 🙂 When He put me to stay on my all four, in the middle of the room, in front of the mirror wall… I knew this will probably be a pretty special evening, demanding quite a lot from me. He pulled down my thongs and blindfolded my eyes. “Arch your back” was the first order. But this was only the beginning of the journey where He led me from one demanding scene to another.
He incorporated everything – many things I feel embarrassed about, stepping into every part of my intimacy (where I don`t like anyone to step in), taking from me all my defenses, enforcing harsh discipline, bondage and testing my pain limits.
When my nipples were crazy sensitive and painful, my back sore and my pussy overwhelmed with all the juices pouring out, there was a final step… Hot wax (candles). This was a first one for me. When hot liquid touched my skin, I arched my back even more. Feeling it running down my spine was sooooo good. And when He whipped of the wax, my pain limit was already moved very far away from previous state.
I was kneeling in front of Him, completely willing, completely surrendered, with full devotion in full submission. That evening He helped me to achieve a state in which I was never before. In one point I no longer felt pain. It was only a sensation. Everything was a special sensation. And every inch of my being was surrendered, belonged to Him, craved to please Him. It was what I desired.
Reaching this state brought me to tears again. I cried my soul out when He held me in his arms and I was not able to express the depth of my feelings with words. Just laid there, crying out all my emotions… I can only say I have never felt such devotion and love for Him. But I do not dare (yet) to use word “love”. In any given context. I am afraid that if I say it out loud I will shatter to million pieces.