Afraid of desire to serve, part 2

Source: Lea S

A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.

Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.

Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.

At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.

Some Like It Hot

This is one of those “after the session” blog posts. It was so amazing, I cannot get it out of my head.

Started as a normal evening: cuddling, kissing. One thing lead to another and when I was completely naked (only with my thong left on) and He was not, I realized something is about to happen. 🙂 When He put me to stay on my all four, in the middle of the room, in front of the mirror wall… I knew this will probably be a pretty special evening, demanding quite a lot from me. He pulled down my thongs and blindfolded my eyes. “Arch your back” was the first order. But this was only the beginning of the journey where He led me from one demanding scene to another.
He incorporated everything – many things I feel embarrassed about, stepping into every part of my intimacy (where I don`t like anyone to step in), taking from me all my defenses, enforcing harsh discipline, bondage and testing my pain limits.

When my nipples were crazy sensitive and painful, my back sore and my pussy overwhelmed with all the juices pouring out, there was a final step… Hot wax (candles). This was a first one for me. When hot liquid touched my skin, I arched my back even more. Feeling it running down my spine was sooooo good. And when He whipped of the wax, my pain limit was already moved very far away from previous state.

I was kneeling in front of Him, completely willing, completely surrendered, with full devotion in full submission. That evening He helped me to achieve a state in which I was never before. In one point I no longer felt pain. It was only a sensation. Everything was a special sensation. And every inch of my being was surrendered, belonged to Him, craved to please Him. It was what I desired.
Reaching this state brought me to tears again. I cried my soul out when He held me in his arms and I was not able to express the depth of my feelings with words. Just laid there, crying out all my emotions… I can only say I have never felt such devotion and love for Him. But I do not dare (yet) to use word “love”. In any given context. I am afraid that if I say it out loud I will shatter to million pieces.

Unforgettable.

Tears and marks

Couple of months ago, when I truly submitted myself to Him, I cried quite a bit (after the “sessions”). It was all due to my many inner fears, confused thoughts and emotions. A lot of times I was asking myself “What is wrong with me, because I like this? What is wrong with me, because pain brings me pleasure?”, etc. When I accepted my emotions (due to couple of conversations with Him, where we discussed all my fears and thoughts), crying stopped. Now I weep if pain is too strong. 🙂 But after the last “session” I cried again. At first I did not know why exactly, I just let it run… Than I realized: currently I am in phase where I feel such a deep need to serve Him that is runs through my every cell. Sometimes, if we do not see each other for few days, it gets so strong that I get an imprinted image of me, kneeling before Him, in my mind. I want to serve Him. My body and soul needs to serve Him. I want to push my limits for Him. I want to obey Him. And all this emotions overwhelmed me. So, I`ve cried in His arms, knowing that it is ok to cry, because all this tears only express deep emotions that I have and those represent how far to the rabbit hole I am prepared to go.

In all this willingness to serve Him, I`ve started to adore marks that He leaves on my body.  They can be consenquence of a flogger, hand, teeth, bondage… does not matter! I liked them before, but now I just adore them and every single time (after the “session”) I wish there will be something left for me to cherish till they are gone. I like to touch them afterwards, press them to feel sweet pain that reminds me on those extatic moments when I totally gave myself to Him.

I was quite pleased with the selection of my last marks: stinging sensation on buttcheeks, small bruise on my wrist and couple of cute blue bruises on my breasts (due to the flogger) that are still visible. I have to confess that I wish for more but at the same time I know that I am not fully prepared for this kind of pain that is required to do bigger marks.

Nonetheless – can`t wait to explore my next bruises. I like when I am marked by Him. One of the signs that I know to whom I belong.

Needs

Throughout the last couple of months I read two blog posts that made me think about what does submissive need. I did not stop there, neither I think authors of this posts meant that this only applies to submissives – I believe it can be applied to almost every relationship out there. First post was from takenlilslut: 7 things that submissive needs from a Dominant. And the second post was from submissivenightowl: Deserving. So I`ve taken this posts to inspire me and write my own list. It is not definite and of course, I cannot take credit for it by myself – inspiration and few words goes to mentioned authors above.

A) Things that people need and I believe this should apply to everyone, Dom or submissive (or neither), vanilla or bdsm relationship (or combination of both – which is the form of relatioship which I prefer):

  1. Time: you have to spend time together. In order to get to know each other, to do things, to create new experiences, memories, develop your relationship and grow in every possible manner.
  2. Attention: you have to pay attention to each other. Great things are hidden in details and you can discover while paying attention.
  3. Honesty: sometimes we need to ask even stupid, small things. We are not mind readers and I do not like always reading between the lines. I am honest and expect the same in return. It affects the same things as written above – growing your relationship, discovering your desires and enjoying in it. Many obstacles can be overcome with this.
  4. Trust: as submissive I need you to trust me knowing my limits and I trust You to push them, always. I trust you to be my safety net and guide me through the this realm of bdsm exquisity. Respect our agreements or trust can be broken. Outside of the bdsm relationship trust is also everything. Without it you cannot build anything. With it both of you are stronger.
  5. Mind: I cannot say anything else than author of original post did: “If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me.”
  6. Love: again, same as above – takenlilslut wrote it all: “If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long…”

B) Things that I mainly need as a submissive (but always in combination with all the things written above):

  1. Consistency: “If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them.” (Source: takenlilslut)
  2. Rules: I need them in order to serve you the best way I can. But they are strongly connected to consistency.
  3. Punishment: I need it when I am “bad”. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Together, with consistency and rules, they make a perfect threesome. Choose punishment You feel it fits the most.
  4. Reward: I believe this one is pretty self-explinatory. 🙂 I like being a good girl and knowing that you noticed that I try really hard is important to me. It can be a compliment, an orgasm, a dinner, a kiss… Whatever fits you in that moment.

This list is sure to be updated through the time. As said before – I am still kind of a novice to this (bdsm) world. But one thing is for certain – I want all of this things, because I know I deserve them. And this is something that submissivenightowl wrote very good in her blogpost Deserving. I can find a lot of things that I like in there – not all, because we are all different and unique, but still. I know what I like and I know why. It is because I want to enjoy in my life and I want that my partner enjoys in his as well. That is why I feel it is important that both of the partners are their own person, willing to adapt in order to grow and develop relationship – with every kind of spice available our there. 🙂 I prefer mine to be bdsm. 🙂

And a final thought, my current desire, need that I am starting to feel growing more in more… I want to serve You. I want to give You every cell of me – for You to use, enjoy and cherish.

Hands around the neck. This blog post says exactly what I feel. Magic.

My Little Known Truth

Last night in bed I wondered aloud….what is it about having his hands around my throat that catapults me over that edge of sexual desire and excitement?

Does the fact that this excites me so much make me crazy, sick or perverted?

My Dom looked over in that sweet way he does, and reached over to grasp my throat in his strong, warm hand. “So,” he said, the deep timber of his voice a perfect compliment to my soft gasp, “tell me what this feels like.”

I lay under his hand my heart racing, gently arching against the weight at my throat. No matter the time of day, or where we are, when he puts his hand on my neck a fire ignites at the apex of my thighs.

It’s the possessiveness of the gesture, I am his. When he stands behind me as I kneel at his feet and…

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Definitions

We like to make sense out of this world with defining stuff. You have to know what something is in order to understand it.

I like to put my thoughts in a box. I like to define things. But lately I am noticing that definitions drive people crazy. If something is not the way they imagined its definition, then this means something is not ok. It is broken or wrong. Or it just confuses you too much. From ordinary things to defining your BDSM identity.

Few months ago I started to let go. Making definitions as well.
For example: ORGASM. People, mostly women, are obsessed with it. Was this an orgasm? Why I cannot achieve vaginal orgasm? Why I cannot achieve any orgasm? What kind of orgasms I can achive? How can I achieve them? Bad mood usually follows. When it comes to orgasm I rather name it pleasure. Pleasure does not measure in orgasm (if you can measure it in anything at all). Pleasure is something so beautiful, so enjoyable, so sweet, painful, tasteful, so sensationable… It can be brought by so many factors and described with thousands of words.

Don`t stress over an orgasm. Enjoy in pleasure. Thrive on it. Let your mind go and let the senses take your control.

Don`t try to define an orgasm. Just enjoy pleasure.

And the second topic I came across a lot lately is defining your bdsm identity. It was my issue as well. I refused being labeled by anything. But still, I got labeled. I resisted as much as I could and maybe I still do a bit. I am trying to let go this as well. Why should labels bother me? Why should I be defined? I am His. I will do as much as I can for Him. Because of many reasons. What does that make me? A sub, slave, bottom, fetishist? Do not know and do not feel the need for it. I only know I want to please him and enjoy.

People adore definitions but in the end they tend to confuse them. But if you let them go… there is a new world after it. That does not mean you have to abandon all definitions in your life. I still like them, I still like to make sense out of things. But if they make you feel bad or sad… Let them go. Discover the world behind them. It can be surprising and beautiful.