A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.
Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.
Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.
At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.
I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.
In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).
But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).
I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.
This is one of those “after the session” blog posts. It was so amazing, I cannot get it out of my head.
Started as a normal evening: cuddling, kissing. One thing lead to another and when I was completely naked (only with my thong left on) and He was not, I realized something is about to happen. 🙂 When He put me to stay on my all four, in the middle of the room, in front of the mirror wall… I knew this will probably be a pretty special evening, demanding quite a lot from me. He pulled down my thongs and blindfolded my eyes. “Arch your back” was the first order. But this was only the beginning of the journey where He led me from one demanding scene to another.
He incorporated everything – many things I feel embarrassed about, stepping into every part of my intimacy (where I don`t like anyone to step in), taking from me all my defenses, enforcing harsh discipline, bondage and testing my pain limits.
When my nipples were crazy sensitive and painful, my back sore and my pussy overwhelmed with all the juices pouring out, there was a final step… Hot wax (candles). This was a first one for me. When hot liquid touched my skin, I arched my back even more. Feeling it running down my spine was sooooo good. And when He whipped of the wax, my pain limit was already moved very far away from previous state.
I was kneeling in front of Him, completely willing, completely surrendered, with full devotion in full submission. That evening He helped me to achieve a state in which I was never before. In one point I no longer felt pain. It was only a sensation. Everything was a special sensation. And every inch of my being was surrendered, belonged to Him, craved to please Him. It was what I desired.
Reaching this state brought me to tears again. I cried my soul out when He held me in his arms and I was not able to express the depth of my feelings with words. Just laid there, crying out all my emotions… I can only say I have never felt such devotion and love for Him. But I do not dare (yet) to use word “love”. In any given context. I am afraid that if I say it out loud I will shatter to million pieces.
Couple of months ago, when I truly submitted myself to Him, I cried quite a bit (after the “sessions”). It was all due to my many inner fears, confused thoughts and emotions. A lot of times I was asking myself “What is wrong with me, because I like this? What is wrong with me, because pain brings me pleasure?”, etc. When I accepted my emotions (due to couple of conversations with Him, where we discussed all my fears and thoughts), crying stopped. Now I weep if pain is too strong. 🙂 But after the last “session” I cried again. At first I did not know why exactly, I just let it run… Than I realized: currently I am in phase where I feel such a deep need to serve Him that is runs through my every cell. Sometimes, if we do not see each other for few days, it gets so strong that I get an imprinted image of me, kneeling before Him, in my mind. I want to serve Him. My body and soul needs to serve Him. I want to push my limits for Him. I want to obey Him. And all this emotions overwhelmed me. So, I`ve cried in His arms, knowing that it is ok to cry, because all this tears only express deep emotions that I have and those represent how far to the rabbit hole I am prepared to go.
In all this willingness to serve Him, I`ve started to adore marks that He leaves on my body. They can be consenquence of a flogger, hand, teeth, bondage… does not matter! I liked them before, but now I just adore them and every single time (after the “session”) I wish there will be something left for me to cherish till they are gone. I like to touch them afterwards, press them to feel sweet pain that reminds me on those extatic moments when I totally gave myself to Him.
I was quite pleased with the selection of my last marks: stinging sensation on buttcheeks, small bruise on my wrist and couple of cute blue bruises on my breasts (due to the flogger) that are still visible. I have to confess that I wish for more but at the same time I know that I am not fully prepared for this kind of pain that is required to do bigger marks.
Nonetheless – can`t wait to explore my next bruises. I like when I am marked by Him. One of the signs that I know to whom I belong.
I tend to fantasize a lot. Not only about the “lust” part of my life, but in almost any aspect… I like to imagine what will happen, what will I feel, how should I react… So, I can be prepared for everything. The problem is that you cannot always anticipate correctly what will people do.
The same things are happening before any date, session with Him. I am trying to do it as little as possible, but cannot avoid the “lust” fantasies. And when my body and mind are overwhelmed with lust, my fantasies become deeper, darker, more daring and let`s say more perverted as well.
There were couple of ocassions when my fantasies came true and not always they have been exactly the same as I planned. Usually they are more demanding for me emotionaly as I thought. In my head everything is easy and simple. In reality things are more demanding. With every outspoken fantasy I give Him deeper view into my head. With every fantasy that comes to life, I give him deeper view into my sould. It takes a lot of courage to step in the world you only fantasied about. Things can become scary very easily.
Today I was thinking about testing my pain limit. I like to think that I have a high tolerance for pain, but I know this is not true. I gave Him permission to test it, cause I want to see what happens when endorphins kick in. Deeper levels of interaction between pain and pleasure. I suspect I will regret this while being flogged.
But before that I still have to take care of things like what to wear, whick make up to put on… The less favorite, but important part, of the “before” time.
In the end, I am never careful what I wish for… Let`s be surprised what happens. Not knowing is exhilarating.