Afraid of desire to serve, part 2

Source: Lea S

A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.

Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.

Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.

At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.

Tears and marks

Couple of months ago, when I truly submitted myself to Him, I cried quite a bit (after the “sessions”). It was all due to my many inner fears, confused thoughts and emotions. A lot of times I was asking myself “What is wrong with me, because I like this? What is wrong with me, because pain brings me pleasure?”, etc. When I accepted my emotions (due to couple of conversations with Him, where we discussed all my fears and thoughts), crying stopped. Now I weep if pain is too strong. 🙂 But after the last “session” I cried again. At first I did not know why exactly, I just let it run… Than I realized: currently I am in phase where I feel such a deep need to serve Him that is runs through my every cell. Sometimes, if we do not see each other for few days, it gets so strong that I get an imprinted image of me, kneeling before Him, in my mind. I want to serve Him. My body and soul needs to serve Him. I want to push my limits for Him. I want to obey Him. And all this emotions overwhelmed me. So, I`ve cried in His arms, knowing that it is ok to cry, because all this tears only express deep emotions that I have and those represent how far to the rabbit hole I am prepared to go.

In all this willingness to serve Him, I`ve started to adore marks that He leaves on my body.  They can be consenquence of a flogger, hand, teeth, bondage… does not matter! I liked them before, but now I just adore them and every single time (after the “session”) I wish there will be something left for me to cherish till they are gone. I like to touch them afterwards, press them to feel sweet pain that reminds me on those extatic moments when I totally gave myself to Him.

I was quite pleased with the selection of my last marks: stinging sensation on buttcheeks, small bruise on my wrist and couple of cute blue bruises on my breasts (due to the flogger) that are still visible. I have to confess that I wish for more but at the same time I know that I am not fully prepared for this kind of pain that is required to do bigger marks.

Nonetheless – can`t wait to explore my next bruises. I like when I am marked by Him. One of the signs that I know to whom I belong.

Be careful what you wish for…

Image…it might come true! 🙂

I tend to fantasize a lot. Not only about the “lust” part of my life, but in almost any aspect… I like to imagine what will happen, what will I feel, how should I react… So, I can be prepared for everything. The problem is that you cannot always anticipate correctly what will people do.

The same things are happening before any date, session with Him. I am trying to do it as little as possible, but cannot avoid the “lust” fantasies. And when my body and mind are overwhelmed with lust, my fantasies become deeper, darker, more daring and let`s say more perverted as well.

There were couple of ocassions when my fantasies came true and not always they have been exactly the same as I planned. Usually they are more demanding for me emotionaly as I thought. In my head everything is easy and simple. In reality things are more demanding. With every outspoken fantasy I give Him deeper view into my head. With every fantasy that comes to life, I give him deeper view into my sould. It takes a lot of courage to step in the world you only fantasied about. Things can become scary very easily.

Today I was thinking about testing my pain limit. I like to think that I have a high tolerance for pain, but I know this is not true. I gave Him permission to test it, cause I want to see what happens when endorphins kick in. Deeper levels of interaction between pain and pleasure. I suspect I will regret this while being flogged.

But before that I still have to take care of things like what to wear, whick make up to put on… The less favorite, but important part, of the “before” time.

In the end, I am never careful what I wish for… Let`s be surprised what happens. Not knowing is exhilarating.