Afraid of desire to serve, part 2

Source: Lea S

A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.

Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.

Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.

At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.

Be careful what you wish for…

Image…it might come true! 🙂

I tend to fantasize a lot. Not only about the “lust” part of my life, but in almost any aspect… I like to imagine what will happen, what will I feel, how should I react… So, I can be prepared for everything. The problem is that you cannot always anticipate correctly what will people do.

The same things are happening before any date, session with Him. I am trying to do it as little as possible, but cannot avoid the “lust” fantasies. And when my body and mind are overwhelmed with lust, my fantasies become deeper, darker, more daring and let`s say more perverted as well.

There were couple of ocassions when my fantasies came true and not always they have been exactly the same as I planned. Usually they are more demanding for me emotionaly as I thought. In my head everything is easy and simple. In reality things are more demanding. With every outspoken fantasy I give Him deeper view into my head. With every fantasy that comes to life, I give him deeper view into my sould. It takes a lot of courage to step in the world you only fantasied about. Things can become scary very easily.

Today I was thinking about testing my pain limit. I like to think that I have a high tolerance for pain, but I know this is not true. I gave Him permission to test it, cause I want to see what happens when endorphins kick in. Deeper levels of interaction between pain and pleasure. I suspect I will regret this while being flogged.

But before that I still have to take care of things like what to wear, whick make up to put on… The less favorite, but important part, of the “before” time.

In the end, I am never careful what I wish for… Let`s be surprised what happens. Not knowing is exhilarating.

My first one

slave_statueMy first blog, my first post, my first BDSM experiences. I never liked drastic changes very much. They demanded attention, adaption, they disturbed my well balanced life. But changes are natural part of life cycle and they produce new experiences and they add value. So, few years ago I started to make changes in my life. I wanted to live and not just hibernate.

BDSM came into my life unexpectedly. My curiosity was the main reason why I entered into this dark realm, where pain and pleasure intersects. I am a submissive. At this point I already belong to Him. And when He asked me to start writing a blog about my emotions, feelings regarding this aspect of our relationship, I did not mind. Once upon a time I liked writing. And I know that getting my thoughts “out there” helps me to overcome any potential struggle or dilemmas. So, I`ve started. And here it is: my first blog, my first post. About my first BDSM experiences.

To sum up why I like this “dark realm”, I`ll end with my favorite quote:

“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin