Needs

Throughout the last couple of months I read two blog posts that made me think about what does submissive need. I did not stop there, neither I think authors of this posts meant that this only applies to submissives – I believe it can be applied to almost every relationship out there. First post was from takenlilslut: 7 things that submissive needs from a Dominant. And the second post was from submissivenightowl: Deserving. So I`ve taken this posts to inspire me and write my own list. It is not definite and of course, I cannot take credit for it by myself – inspiration and few words goes to mentioned authors above.

A) Things that people need and I believe this should apply to everyone, Dom or submissive (or neither), vanilla or bdsm relationship (or combination of both – which is the form of relatioship which I prefer):

  1. Time: you have to spend time together. In order to get to know each other, to do things, to create new experiences, memories, develop your relationship and grow in every possible manner.
  2. Attention: you have to pay attention to each other. Great things are hidden in details and you can discover while paying attention.
  3. Honesty: sometimes we need to ask even stupid, small things. We are not mind readers and I do not like always reading between the lines. I am honest and expect the same in return. It affects the same things as written above – growing your relationship, discovering your desires and enjoying in it. Many obstacles can be overcome with this.
  4. Trust: as submissive I need you to trust me knowing my limits and I trust You to push them, always. I trust you to be my safety net and guide me through the this realm of bdsm exquisity. Respect our agreements or trust can be broken. Outside of the bdsm relationship trust is also everything. Without it you cannot build anything. With it both of you are stronger.
  5. Mind: I cannot say anything else than author of original post did: “If you can’t share the things that are important to you with me, then you aren’t for me. I like your body, I like your skills, but I also want to like your mind. Your thoughts, dreams, goals, and ambitions are important to me too. What happens in your life matters to me, because you matter to me.”
  6. Love: again, same as above – takenlilslut wrote it all: “If you can’t love me, really love me, even when I’m wrong, or bad, or distant, or just plain acting unlovable, then you aren’t for me. Love, in all it’s forms, is unconditional. Keyword: unconditional. That means you love me (in whatever way we have chosen) just because you do… and my thoughts, actions, and behaviors do not define your feelings for me. They may change how our relationship functions, but never how you feel. And PS? I need to hear the actual word every once in awhile, so I can file it away in case it’s awhile before I hear it again. But don’t make me wait too long…”

B) Things that I mainly need as a submissive (but always in combination with all the things written above):

  1. Consistency: “If you can’t enforce the rules you set, and punish and/or reward every single time, then you aren’t for me. Sure you can take into consideration the circumstances in my life at the time, but I need to know that each rule you set has purpose and you intend to see them all through. If you can’t supervise them, don’t set them.” (Source: takenlilslut)
  2. Rules: I need them in order to serve you the best way I can. But they are strongly connected to consistency.
  3. Punishment: I need it when I am “bad”. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. Together, with consistency and rules, they make a perfect threesome. Choose punishment You feel it fits the most.
  4. Reward: I believe this one is pretty self-explinatory. 🙂 I like being a good girl and knowing that you noticed that I try really hard is important to me. It can be a compliment, an orgasm, a dinner, a kiss… Whatever fits you in that moment.

This list is sure to be updated through the time. As said before – I am still kind of a novice to this (bdsm) world. But one thing is for certain – I want all of this things, because I know I deserve them. And this is something that submissivenightowl wrote very good in her blogpost Deserving. I can find a lot of things that I like in there – not all, because we are all different and unique, but still. I know what I like and I know why. It is because I want to enjoy in my life and I want that my partner enjoys in his as well. That is why I feel it is important that both of the partners are their own person, willing to adapt in order to grow and develop relationship – with every kind of spice available our there. 🙂 I prefer mine to be bdsm. 🙂

And a final thought, my current desire, need that I am starting to feel growing more in more… I want to serve You. I want to give You every cell of me – for You to use, enjoy and cherish.

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Definitions

We like to make sense out of this world with defining stuff. You have to know what something is in order to understand it.

I like to put my thoughts in a box. I like to define things. But lately I am noticing that definitions drive people crazy. If something is not the way they imagined its definition, then this means something is not ok. It is broken or wrong. Or it just confuses you too much. From ordinary things to defining your BDSM identity.

Few months ago I started to let go. Making definitions as well.
For example: ORGASM. People, mostly women, are obsessed with it. Was this an orgasm? Why I cannot achieve vaginal orgasm? Why I cannot achieve any orgasm? What kind of orgasms I can achive? How can I achieve them? Bad mood usually follows. When it comes to orgasm I rather name it pleasure. Pleasure does not measure in orgasm (if you can measure it in anything at all). Pleasure is something so beautiful, so enjoyable, so sweet, painful, tasteful, so sensationable… It can be brought by so many factors and described with thousands of words.

Don`t stress over an orgasm. Enjoy in pleasure. Thrive on it. Let your mind go and let the senses take your control.

Don`t try to define an orgasm. Just enjoy pleasure.

And the second topic I came across a lot lately is defining your bdsm identity. It was my issue as well. I refused being labeled by anything. But still, I got labeled. I resisted as much as I could and maybe I still do a bit. I am trying to let go this as well. Why should labels bother me? Why should I be defined? I am His. I will do as much as I can for Him. Because of many reasons. What does that make me? A sub, slave, bottom, fetishist? Do not know and do not feel the need for it. I only know I want to please him and enjoy.

People adore definitions but in the end they tend to confuse them. But if you let them go… there is a new world after it. That does not mean you have to abandon all definitions in your life. I still like them, I still like to make sense out of things. But if they make you feel bad or sad… Let them go. Discover the world behind them. It can be surprising and beautiful.