Ups and downs

Lately I`ve been neglecting my blog. 😦 Not on purpose, but there is not enough hours in a day to handle everything. Especially when you are a work-a-holic.

Meanwhile a lot was happening in my “dark realm”. I was going through different phases – from not feeling anything special, to being overwhelmed and to stepping out of my comfort zone. Once again I have let myself to devour the fantasies I have. I confessed them to myself and later to Him. Luckily, they were His fantasies as well. So, we went deeper and I love it. I`m proud on myself to be able to express everything, to be able to realize it. My trust in Him grows stronger and I`m starting to feel more secure in my own sexuality. Not being afraid that much anymore. I`m leashed.

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Afraid of desire to serve, part 1

I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.

In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).

But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).

I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.

Tears and marks

Couple of months ago, when I truly submitted myself to Him, I cried quite a bit (after the “sessions”). It was all due to my many inner fears, confused thoughts and emotions. A lot of times I was asking myself “What is wrong with me, because I like this? What is wrong with me, because pain brings me pleasure?”, etc. When I accepted my emotions (due to couple of conversations with Him, where we discussed all my fears and thoughts), crying stopped. Now I weep if pain is too strong. 🙂 But after the last “session” I cried again. At first I did not know why exactly, I just let it run… Than I realized: currently I am in phase where I feel such a deep need to serve Him that is runs through my every cell. Sometimes, if we do not see each other for few days, it gets so strong that I get an imprinted image of me, kneeling before Him, in my mind. I want to serve Him. My body and soul needs to serve Him. I want to push my limits for Him. I want to obey Him. And all this emotions overwhelmed me. So, I`ve cried in His arms, knowing that it is ok to cry, because all this tears only express deep emotions that I have and those represent how far to the rabbit hole I am prepared to go.

In all this willingness to serve Him, I`ve started to adore marks that He leaves on my body.  They can be consenquence of a flogger, hand, teeth, bondage… does not matter! I liked them before, but now I just adore them and every single time (after the “session”) I wish there will be something left for me to cherish till they are gone. I like to touch them afterwards, press them to feel sweet pain that reminds me on those extatic moments when I totally gave myself to Him.

I was quite pleased with the selection of my last marks: stinging sensation on buttcheeks, small bruise on my wrist and couple of cute blue bruises on my breasts (due to the flogger) that are still visible. I have to confess that I wish for more but at the same time I know that I am not fully prepared for this kind of pain that is required to do bigger marks.

Nonetheless – can`t wait to explore my next bruises. I like when I am marked by Him. One of the signs that I know to whom I belong.

My first one

slave_statueMy first blog, my first post, my first BDSM experiences. I never liked drastic changes very much. They demanded attention, adaption, they disturbed my well balanced life. But changes are natural part of life cycle and they produce new experiences and they add value. So, few years ago I started to make changes in my life. I wanted to live and not just hibernate.

BDSM came into my life unexpectedly. My curiosity was the main reason why I entered into this dark realm, where pain and pleasure intersects. I am a submissive. At this point I already belong to Him. And when He asked me to start writing a blog about my emotions, feelings regarding this aspect of our relationship, I did not mind. Once upon a time I liked writing. And I know that getting my thoughts “out there” helps me to overcome any potential struggle or dilemmas. So, I`ve started. And here it is: my first blog, my first post. About my first BDSM experiences.

To sum up why I like this “dark realm”, I`ll end with my favorite quote:

“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin