Ups and downs

Lately I`ve been neglecting my blog. 😦 Not on purpose, but there is not enough hours in a day to handle everything. Especially when you are a work-a-holic.

Meanwhile a lot was happening in my “dark realm”. I was going through different phases – from not feeling anything special, to being overwhelmed and to stepping out of my comfort zone. Once again I have let myself to devour the fantasies I have. I confessed them to myself and later to Him. Luckily, they were His fantasies as well. So, we went deeper and I love it. I`m proud on myself to be able to express everything, to be able to realize it. My trust in Him grows stronger and I`m starting to feel more secure in my own sexuality. Not being afraid that much anymore. I`m leashed.

Afraid of desire to serve, part 2

Source: Lea S

A day after my last post, writing about my fears, we saw each other again. I did not tell Him what was going on in my mind as I wanted to relax myself from work related stress. We finished our date with sex and before that we also had “a session”.

Turning me on is easy with Him. One touch, one word or only a look can be enough for me to get turned on. Along with arousal I usually turn off my mind and just let go everything, surrendering my body to my senses and enjoying in every part. When I felt a harsh rope on my soft skin, my heart shrunk. I turned to fear again. I told Him that but at the same time was not able to answer his question what exactly do I fear. I was thinking of actually calling off this “play/session”… But then I remembered that I trust Him. I decided not to surrender to my fears. If something will not feel right, I have an option to use a safe word. So, I let go of my fears… And surprisingly, everything was fine. My pain limit was higher than usual, I enjoyed every single moment and line between pain and pleasure was blurred once again.

Looking back now (while feeling a stinging sensations on my back, butt cheeks and boobs from flogger, belt, his hands and all other “special treatment” I`ve received), I feel proud on myself again. To overcome my fears and push my limits a bit further.

At the end I confessed Him my mini crisis and He asked me if I want to call everything off. My immediate reaction and answer was “NO!« Still not sure what was going on with me during those previous days (maybe it was a full moon 🙂 ), but the only thing that I am sure of (with my body and mind) is that I do not want to end this. I cannot possibly imagine of going back to only “vanilla” life… This BDSM spice is just too delicious.

Afraid of desire to serve, part 1

I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.

In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).

But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).

I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.

Definitions

We like to make sense out of this world with defining stuff. You have to know what something is in order to understand it.

I like to put my thoughts in a box. I like to define things. But lately I am noticing that definitions drive people crazy. If something is not the way they imagined its definition, then this means something is not ok. It is broken or wrong. Or it just confuses you too much. From ordinary things to defining your BDSM identity.

Few months ago I started to let go. Making definitions as well.
For example: ORGASM. People, mostly women, are obsessed with it. Was this an orgasm? Why I cannot achieve vaginal orgasm? Why I cannot achieve any orgasm? What kind of orgasms I can achive? How can I achieve them? Bad mood usually follows. When it comes to orgasm I rather name it pleasure. Pleasure does not measure in orgasm (if you can measure it in anything at all). Pleasure is something so beautiful, so enjoyable, so sweet, painful, tasteful, so sensationable… It can be brought by so many factors and described with thousands of words.

Don`t stress over an orgasm. Enjoy in pleasure. Thrive on it. Let your mind go and let the senses take your control.

Don`t try to define an orgasm. Just enjoy pleasure.

And the second topic I came across a lot lately is defining your bdsm identity. It was my issue as well. I refused being labeled by anything. But still, I got labeled. I resisted as much as I could and maybe I still do a bit. I am trying to let go this as well. Why should labels bother me? Why should I be defined? I am His. I will do as much as I can for Him. Because of many reasons. What does that make me? A sub, slave, bottom, fetishist? Do not know and do not feel the need for it. I only know I want to please him and enjoy.

People adore definitions but in the end they tend to confuse them. But if you let them go… there is a new world after it. That does not mean you have to abandon all definitions in your life. I still like them, I still like to make sense out of things. But if they make you feel bad or sad… Let them go. Discover the world behind them. It can be surprising and beautiful.

My first one

slave_statueMy first blog, my first post, my first BDSM experiences. I never liked drastic changes very much. They demanded attention, adaption, they disturbed my well balanced life. But changes are natural part of life cycle and they produce new experiences and they add value. So, few years ago I started to make changes in my life. I wanted to live and not just hibernate.

BDSM came into my life unexpectedly. My curiosity was the main reason why I entered into this dark realm, where pain and pleasure intersects. I am a submissive. At this point I already belong to Him. And when He asked me to start writing a blog about my emotions, feelings regarding this aspect of our relationship, I did not mind. Once upon a time I liked writing. And I know that getting my thoughts “out there” helps me to overcome any potential struggle or dilemmas. So, I`ve started. And here it is: my first blog, my first post. About my first BDSM experiences.

To sum up why I like this “dark realm”, I`ll end with my favorite quote:

“I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.”
― Anaïs Nin