Afraid of desire to serve, part 1

I am still not sure when so many switches happened. To come from a shame on every step to accepting my desires and not being ashamed of them anymore. When desire to serve Him overcame my embarrassment of exposing myself (physically and emotionally). Lately all I can feel is desire to serve Him. So strong and overwhelming that I became proud how far I have came.

In one of our conversation, topic came to Brazilian waxing. I never had it before. Never wanted it, because I am afraid it would hurt too much. I tried bikini waxing many times, but always went back to the shaving as pain was too great. When I mentioned Brazilian waxing, I noticed a sparkle in his eyes. In a week later I suddenly decided to try it. I made an appointment and told Him why and when I will have it. He seemed pleased. Again, I was proud on myself. To notice his desire, before He expressed it and to collect all of my courage to make an appointment (I`ll have it on Friday).

But now… something strange happened. I`m starting to be afraid. Afraid of this great desire to serve and please Him. Not sure from where it crawled into me and what caused it in such a short time (couple of hours).

I`m trying to analyze it but did not come very far. I just want to remove myself from this feelings and unpleasant situation. Want to shut down for a little while to gather myself. I feel a small knot in my stomach and it is making me uncomfortable. I am afraid… Is this right? To feel such desire to serve Him? What does He thinks about it? Is that what He wanted? Is this what it should be? Is this really what I want? I want to grasp something, hold it tight with my hands not to lose myself… Not sure what is going on.


5 comments on “Afraid of desire to serve, part 1

  1. mira1986 says:

    I can completely relate to this. Thank you for expressing what I couldn’t say in such a beautiful way.

  2. loneyheart says:

    the desire to serve, to please is often overwhelming for me. the want is so great and yet is causes such anxiety because i have never had someone in my life that i want to give myself to so fully. Who i trust so completly. Who i do not doubt or question at all. To have so give so fully is a scary and thrilling thing. To love so deeply and so honestly is the greatest gift.

    • Submissive M says:

      All this feelings can often be overwhelming. For me – talking with Him about this, helps the most. It clears out my thoughts, He helps me to overcome potential fears/issues. But sometimes I do wish I had a power to transfer my feelings to Him – just to see and understand what I am not able to express with words.

  3. mlbk7 says:

    At times my endorphins kick in and take me to places i would not ordinarily go. Like the first time i left home got on a plane and traveled to meet him. no brainer right? nope, It was an adventure. I was afraid… but fear is also a safety response too. It was a wonderful kind of fear. I love the way you write and describe it.

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